Five Nights at Freddy’s: The Movie I Didn’t Think I’d Be Excited About

Being a parent is hard. Being a parent whose life is saturated with horror can be a real motherfucker. No matter how badass I think The Hellpriest is (I refuse to call him Pinhead, fuck you), I don’t want my first grader going to school talking about puzzle boxes and hooks and shit. It’s just not a good look. Thankfully, there are games like “Five Nights at Freddy’s” that allow my little guy to really dig into some horror and it’s totally acceptable because it is so popular. It doesn’t stop with just the games and merchandise, though; the kids are digging into the lore, building fan theories, and creating some pretty cool art and music based on Freddy Fazbear and friends. They aren’t just games about being stuck in what is pretty much a haunted Chuck E Cheese, they’re a genuine cultural phenomenon. That being said, I’ve never been a fan. I have always had a healthy respect for what the franchise is and my hat is absolutely off to the man behind the machines, Scott Cawthon but it was never something I was really into.

That was until Blumhouse made the announcement that they were bringing us a Five Nights at Freddy’s movie written and directed by force of mother fucking nature Chris Columbus  and with the creator of the franchise, Scott Cawthon, as a producer. I don’t give a shit if you’ve got kids who are into “FNAF”, if you’ve never heard about the franchise until now, or if you’ve been playing the games since day one, it’s hard not to be fucking stoked on this movie. Basically, we have the production company that brought us movies like “Split”, “Get Out”, “Ouija: The Origin of Evil”, and iconic  franchises like “Insidious” and “Paranormal Activity”; the writer/director who brought us the “Gremlins” movies, the “Goonies”, and the first two “Harry Potter” films; and the man behind the source material all tied to this project. Holy shit, right? This movie is damn near guaranteed to do two things: blow its target demographic the fuck away and print money for everybody involved.

Even though those are the only details that seem to be available about the film right now, I feel confident that this movie could be the stepping stone that the next generation of horror fans needs. It could be the gateway into the wonders of the horror genre for thousands of kids. This could be an incredible bonding experience for parents who are fans of the genre and their fledgling horror hounds and that is what really gets me pumped about this film in general.  Cawthon and Columbus both have a history of making media that appeals to younger audiences so even though this material could be taken to a dark and brutal place with very little effort I predict a PG or PG-13 rating for this outing. Don’t get it fucked up, I will be the guy taking my hellspawn to an R-rated “FNAF” movie if I have to, but I would really rather not.

​By Yeti